What do I do with my what?

The short man with bandy legs and a sludge-colored cotton jacket asked me without any preamble, “So tell me what you do when you go to the bathroom?”

It’s a good thing the man had an Evergreen Septic truck in the driveway or else I would have gotten out Big Bob and chased him up the driveway.

Our snoopy friend was asking the question to find out just what could be lurking inside the two-chamber septic tank located in the back yard. To round concrete circles on the north end of the yard hold the septic system and after a half-hour, the tanks were pumped out. He said the tanks were about 46 percent full, meaning sometime in the last decade the tanks were probably pumped. Shirley Septic hadn’t done it, and Evergreen hadn’t done it, so the mystery remains. Another that wasn’t found was the little sewer-swimmer-sensor that most companies use to locate septic systems that nobody can neither smell nor find.

Oddly enough, the pumping of the septic system has been the only thing to go off without a hitch. Job done.

He estimates the tanks should be checked in two years to see if they need pumped, but it will probably be closer to four years when it needs to get done.

As he reeled up his hoses, sewage spilled all over the space next to the house and in the driveway. The stench lingered in the air like the upset stomach that comes from eating my ex-mother-in-law’s holiday dinner. When you have your septic pumped, the whole neighborhood knows it. I know this to be true because my neighbor had their septic system pumped two days later and the stink from their tanks was even worse. It’s odd the things we’re proud of.

Nobody told me about this little charming piece of mountain living.