Critters, all kinds of critters
Critters are a way of life up here. Sure, you hear or read the occasional story of someone whose car got violated by a hungry bear because someone left the crust of a sandwich in the back seat. Lots of times bears get into the vehicle but can’t get out. The result is total and complete destruction of the car’s interior. The seats, headliner, dashboard center console, everything inside the car gets demolished.
The problem is how do you get the bear out of a closed door car? Chances are trying to open the door won’t work. The bears usually have destroyed the door panel and the mechanisms. Chances are the bear will come after you just for the sheer aggravation of having such a poor selection of snacks in the car. Lots of times the sheriff has to come and problem solve getting Yogi out of your pick-i-nick basket on wheels.
Nobody prepares you for the endless parade of furry friends that scurry by or lumber past and/or take their time.
The pain-in-the-ass list of critter’s would be:
Voles
Raccoons
Next-door neighbor (how’d that get in there?)
Woodpeckers
Bears
Skunks
Deer
Elk
Bigger elk
Cats
Voles make subterranean tunnels that can damage rock formations, landscaping and just generally make things look ‘hilly.’ One year I had four cats. Nina, Petticoat, Skeeter and Buzz. Spring had arrived and the snow and ice began to recede from the south side of the back yard. All four cats sat on the ice surrounding a vole tunnel that one was actively building. The four sat there for an hour staring down at the subtle earth movement. Finally, the vole raised its head and WHAM, no more vole.
The thing that really works is a team of Jack Russell terriers or a Dachshunds that love to dig and pursue no matter how much dirt is between them and their quarry. But I don’t want a dog.
In February there was a horrible noise that happened outside every night for about a week. Little footsteps on the roof, near the woodstove pipe. There was commotion and thumping, occasionally the pipe would ring out with a loud clang. Something was going on up there. One quick Google search revealed that raccoon mating season is January to March. My roof became the ‘hot spot’ for raccoon nasty.
One night the commotion was really loud and then thumping and scratching and something hit the deck. By the time I got to the window, whatever had landed so hard was gone. I figure whoever he was, he got his ass kicked and didn’t get girl that night.
As the spring/summer progresses, there’s a parade of raccoons. At first little babies, then they turn into larger babies. They follow mama and she always comes from the same direction: north to south, all babies, always single file.
In May, I heard them climbing over the fence by my bedroom window. Chit-chit-chit-chit-chit they all vocalized as they went over the fence. I opened the window and yelled at them. They chit-chit-chit-chitted back.
Consequently I don’t have bird feeders anymore. I used to. Mice, chipmunks, voles, birds all love the feeders and clean up the debris that falls through the slats in the deck. Those feeders attract the critters that The Girls kill and then bring inside the house. Before The Girls, Jack and Nina spent a lot of time watching Bird TV but never caught anything. They were all hat and no cattle.
I feed hummingbirds and that’s all. Every Friday is fresh nectar of 4 cups water to 1 cup sugar, bring to a boil and while it’s cooling, soak and scrub those feeders. When the nectar cools, fill and re-hang the feeders. Chances are good that while hanging, you’ll get dive-bombed by a Rufous. Mean little F’ers that challenge any that come near the feeder.
There’s a lady in Evergreen that sells “Don’t be a Rufous” stickers with the caricature of an angry red-throated Rufous hummingbird. They’re very popular around the foothills community. IYKYK.
The only invaders of the hummingbird feeders I’ve ever seen are woodpeckers. I hate those things. If you paint your house, always buy a can and keep it sealed tight for the inevitable pecker-holes that happen. Everyone has them.
Deer aren’t really a problem. They mow the grass and amble from place to place. I’ve learned that deer rarely venture past a 1/4 mile area from where they were born. Every year for the last 8 years, there’s one mom who always has twins.
Bears. I’ve had plenty of run-ins with bears. The first one, well, I didn’t have a Ring camera but I watched him from my bedroom window. His back was even with the lower portion of my Forester’s window. He snotted my door and ambled off. I’ve never seen him come back.
There’s lots of methods for scaring away bears. A friend has mats in front of their bar doors and those mats are festooned with long nails that stick straight up. The older bears know; the younger ones usually only need to test the mats but usually do so only once.
Every time I see my friend she has more videos of bears trying to get to their alpacas and chickens. She uses strobe lights and a pulsating alarm when the bears trigger the cameras on the property. The merry little band of furry stalkers laugh and go on about their way, marauding and mugging for the camera.
I’ve seen many videos about people who put motion-activated Halloween decorations on their trash can. As soon as the bear comes near, the motion is activated and the bear lights on outta there.
Since my car is parked right next to the trash cans, I have another tactic I use. The emergency button on my key fob. There’s one hanging right on my bedpost. The sound of a trash can being investigated by a bear is unmistakable. It’s like the sound of a cat coughing up a hairball. Instant recognition.
I always grab my phone, open the Ring app and then hit the alarm button on my car. Most bears leave a little pile as they scramble away and the trash can remains unmolested. It’s worth waking up at 2 a.m. to watch. I’ve noticed a lot of bear piles on my property but none are anywhere near the trash cans, except last Tuesday when a bear shit in the middle of the driveway.
One thing about living up here is you can’t take the trash out until Wednesday morning. That’s when Mountain View picks up trash and recycling. People who put their cans out Tuesday night are just asking for a bear visit. If a bear destroys your trash and spreads your 7 containers of Private Selection ice cream, used condoms, QTips, tampons carefully wrapped in toilet paper or that casserole that sat in the fridge so long it grew legs, believe me, Mountain View won’t pick it up off the road. Everyone driving by will learn little things about your life. If needs must, put stinky trash in the freezer. But don’t put anything but recycling in the bins until Wednesday morning.
Elk act they own the place. My Ring camera went off and I was really confused by what I saw. The porch isn’t that big. But there was Bucky on the porch, lingering there and then moving off to lick my car.
He had a few friends with him and they inspected every inch of the woodshed and lit out when one of them picked up a welcome mat with its mouth then dropped it on the ground.
The Bachelors come through twice a year. Usually I catch them meandering through the yard behind my house or resting in the Slightly Unenchanted Forest. There’s about 8 of them. Gorgeous bucks with no gals. The neighbor had an 8-foot tall chain link fence used to keep their two dogs in. The dogs passed away and as the years went by the fence began to sag.
I watched one day as a very large elk with antlers to match just step on the chain link fence and it gave way under the authority of 1,100 pounds of attitude. The neighbor took down the fence on the recommendation of The Bachelors.
This year The Bachelors didn’t come through. I would’ve like to have seen them one more time.
I’m positive it has to do with the new neighbor’s dog that runs wild. Calls to animal control have resulted in talks with the neighbor but he believes he’s entitled to live without taking anyone or anything else into account. He’s special.
He’s currently taking down trees and has built a road into his back yard. The neighbor to the south refused to take down their fence so trucks loaded with concrete, sand and materials could cross their landscaped property to deliver the infrastructure of a new ice-skating rink the new neighbor is building in the back yard for his wife.
A more frequent and less bothersome crowd of visitors are the neighborhood cats. These are all feral, working barn cats that spread their services far and wide. One crosses Black Mountain Drive nightly and the neighbor at the top of Sandy Lane says he stops, looks and listens for cars, then when safe crosses the street.
One night there were four, sitting on the front porch having a con-fab of some sort. They serve a purpose around here, keep the little critters out of barns and sheds. A few people routinely feed them to encourage them to ‘work’ in their barns and protect grain and feed. I’m not one of them.
I have enough with The Girls, how 14 years old and trying to keep them safe. This year alone, I’ve spent $10,000 on vet services, surgeries, medications, 8-hour blood sugar curves, dental extractions that cost $1,200 each and then a $2,700 repair of said previous dental extraction. I’ve nearly killed Petticoat by giving her too much insulin (her blood sugar level was 33 when we got to the vet at 2 a.m.). She was surgical post-op and not eating but getting her usual insulin dosage and we ended up at a high-class vet in Lakewood that ran $3,400 for a 24-hour stay. They saved her life.
Skeeter has had her own issues – hyperthyroidism that requires medication swabbed into her ear twice a day. Problem is I can only catch her once a day. She’s onto all the tricks. But when she starts to feel icky, she’s more eager to get a treat and get her medicine. She knows. When she had her dental her post-op routine involved NO pain meds because I couldn’t catch her and when I did it was a bloody fight to get anything in her mouth. But she doesn’t know how lucky she is; she gets lotion in her ears and Petticoat gets shots.
Between the two it runs about $200 a month not counting food and litter. Since they both had dental work they’ve developed a taste for chicken or turkey pureed baby food. I am a slave in my own house.
So the last thing I need is more cats.
The critters aren’t so much of a problem as long as I don’t have to take them to the vet or shop for foods that don’t increase their glycemic index.
Critters.